Going Beyond the Physical

I often find myself wondering what my beliefs are when it comes to the supernatural, specifically things like ghosts and spirits.  Living in Salem, MA (the Witch City) it's kind of hard not to think about these things since our whole town's claim to fame lies in the hands of dead witches who supposedly haunt these streets on a daily basis.  We all know people who have stories of growing up in haunted houses, people who have seen ghosts wandering the halls of their work place at night, or we have known someone who had a friend whose uncle's girlfriend's sister did a seance in her house and now every time she lights a candle the radio turns on.  But how do we know if these stories are true or if we just WANT them to be true? 

Being someone who is generally pretty open minded, I often tend to lean towards believing in all of these unexplained phenomena.  I have had my fair share of palm readings, Tarot card readings, Ouija Board fun, and have even been to see some mediums.  I figured the best way to look at each event was to approach it with the idea that the main reason for my being there was for entertainment purposes, and anything else that might happen would just be an unexpected bonus.  This was specifically the feeling I tried to hold onto when I recently went with some friends to Regina Russel's Tea Room in Quincy, MA.  Regina's offers a variety of different readings and I had been there once before, back when I was still in high school, for a relatively unsatisfying Tarot card reading.  The woman who performed my reading certainly knew her cards and was obviously a very skilled people-reader, but I'm sorry to say that her days of being some kind of prophet seemed numbered.  I remember walking out of my appointment feeling slightly entertained, somewhat curious, and mostly disappointed.  It was because of this reading that I was hesitant at first to return to Regina Russel's, but again, I took to mind that as long as I went into the reading thinking it was mainly for entertainment purposes only, I hopefully wouldn't leave feeling disappointed again...especially since this time I had opted for a spirit reading. 

The difference between your average run-of-the-mill Tarot card reading and a spirit reading is that instead of sitting across from someone who is only a few steps up from saying "Pick a card!  Any card!" is that you are instead shut into a small room with a person who is supposedly going to be speaking to someone beyond the grave.  Spooky, right?  I had never had a one-on-one spirit reading before, so I honestly wasn't quite sure what to expect and I would be lying if I were to say I didn't go into this appointment hoping against hope to be able to connect with my mother. 

When it was time for my appointment, I was taken away from my friends in the waiting room and told to follow a somewhat frazzled looking woman into a tiny room off a back hallway that was furnished with only one small table and two chairs.  If there hadn't been a window in there I would have sworn we were about to play Seven Minutes in Heaven in Regina's closet!  Because I was only paying for a 15 minute reading, the woman basically got started the minute we entered the room.  She asked me to sit down and to let her know if there was anyone specific I was hoping to contact that day.  Being a little skeptical, and almost biting my tongue to keep from shouting out "My mom!", I remained calm and told her that I was just curious to see if there was anyone out there, you know, beyond the grave, who was trying to get in touch with me.  I half expected the woman to sit down across from me and hold my hand on the top of the small, wooden table, but instead she put her little purse down, removed the hair clip that was barely containing her frizzy hair, and crossed her arms over her chest and started pacing back and forth in the tiny room.  I wouldn't go so far as to say it looked like she was having some kind of fit, but I do remember thinking that if all I was paying for and expecting was entertainment, it seemed like this woman was going to earn her money, and then some. 

She started off by saying that she could see/sense five different spirits around me.  This was a little shocking, considering there were only three deceased people in my family whom I was close enough to that would make me think they would want to hang around me in their afterlife, but again, trying to remain passive, I kept quiet and let her continue.  She told me that they might be spirits of people I'm familiar with, or they could just be some random spirits flocking to me, since apparently I am very intuitive and open, which creates a sort of magnet approach for these kinds of spirits.  I was starting to feel a little like the Pied Piper. 

The first spirit who reached out to her was a heavyset woman of average height, probably middle aged, whom she thought was a teacher.  This immediately got my attention (although I'm proud to say that I was able to continue keeping a blank face) due to the fact that all of those descriptors could have been about my mom.  Again, I didn't want to say anything because I wanted this experience to be as "real" as possible and I felt that if this woman could see the hope written all over my face, she would mark me as an easy target and basically spoon-feed me anything she wanted.  I think I replied with a generic "Oh, really?" and she went on to say that she just kept getting a teacher vibe but nothing else really seemed to be coming through.  I was glad that I was able to keep my composure because I figured that if my mom's spirit really was going to try to contact me, she probably wouldn't have just said, "I'm a teacher" and then stopped talking.  I would like to think that she might have been able to offer a few more facts about herself and/or our relationship, so when this teacher person moved on and stopped trying to communicate with me, I didn't feel rejected or even upset. Although I have to be honest, I am curious if there might be a past teacher of mine who might have died who for whatever reason felt the need to hang around and visit me. 

I wasn't able to get much information about the next spirit who came to contact me.  The medium started off by asking if there was someone in my life named Danny; that just so happens to be my father's name.  She said that the spirit who was coming through was doing so from Danny's side and that he had a message for Danny, which would make sense as Danny's father (my grandfather) died when I was five.  I was desperately hoping the message would be something along the lines of, "Tell him to grow up and get his act together!" but unfortunately that wasn't the case lol.  She said the spirit was telling her that Danny is in the process of looking for a new job (which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone in my family as Danny changes jobs more frequently than most people change their underwear) and that he should continue looking because he will have his new job by the end of 2012.  I wonder if I should let my uncles know that they might need to be replacing him soon in the family business?  Nah...I'm sure that knowing him, they already have a back-up ready and waiting! 

The next spirit came through quickly after that and the medium asked me if I was close to someone named Jenny.  I told her that I have a friend named Jen and she confirmed that yes, that was who this particular spirit was referencing.  She told me the spirit coming through was an older woman, "a grandmother type" and that she had been trying to get in touch with Jen for quite some time.  Apparently Jen has a similar energy to me in that her aura is welcoming to spirits, but for some reason, Jen is a little more closed off than I am, therefore making it harder for spirits to connect with her.  The medium asked if it had been a while since I last saw Jen and I confirmed that it had been, since I don't think I had seen her since Christmas.  The spirit then asked if I would bring a message to Jenny; she wanted Jen to know that whatever it is that Jen has been struggling with, that it will get better and should have resolved itself by this summer.  The spirit was very concerned about making sure Jen doesn't shut down from anyone close to her or shut out the people around her, as they will help her come to her decision.  At this point I'm thinking to myself, "What the hell is going on with Jen?" but then the spirit seemed to fade, having already given me the message.  What was interesting about this particular experience was that my friend Jen is only called Jenny by her grandparents and aunts and uncles on that particular side of her family.  No one else calls her that.  Also, my friends and I were actually going to Jen's house after our readings, which again, would be the first time I was seeing Jen since Christmas.  Obviously there is no hardcore evidence here, and even though I did my job and passed the message on to Jen, I still don't know if there really is some kind of internal struggle going on with Jen that she has been battling.  I do think the coincidences are a little interesting though.

At that point in my reading, the medium was no longer pacing back and forth in the room, she was in fact sitting across the little table from me and tended to lean back against the wall with her arms folded across her chest and her eyes closed while she communicated with the spirits.  No other spirits seemed to be jumping out to connect with me, so she asked if there was anyone specific I wanted to try to get in touch with.  I figured it was now or never to mention my mom, so I did so and she asked me for my mom's name.  Once I told her, she put her head down on the table and just kind of rocked her head back and forth a little bit.  (Again, even if I left with no actual spirit connections, this woman was good at making these communications seem interesting at least!)  She seemed to connect with my mom pretty quickly and said that my mom loved me, was very proud of me, and that I am stronger than I think I am.  At this point, I think it's important to note that no matter how much of what the medium had just told me was "stock response", meaning that she could have been saying those things to any daughter, son or loved one from a spirit, and that even though the skeptic in me knew there was a good chance these were just generic words, it still did not stop me one bit from crying right there in that little closet. 

The medium then went on to say that my mom was glad that everyone had received all of her belongings that they wanted and she wanted to thank me for making sure that was all done the way she would have wanted.  (Interesting side note:  I am the executor for my mom's estate and have been in charge of not only figuring out who gets what as far as materialistic things, but I also am the one who writes out the checks to distribute any money left in my mom's estate after all the bills are paid off).  Then the medium told me that my mom was worried about my sister since she tends to close down and bottle everything up inside herself.  She said she wants my sister to try to open up more and let people into her life easier.  This is something we have been trying to get my sister to do for years, so maybe the 23rd time's a charm, right Em?  ;)  Next she told me that my mom was very happy that I am with Roland and that she knows he will always take good care of me.  The medium then asked if I have any children yet and I told her no.  Her response was, "Well, then you will!"  She said that my mom told her I am going to have a daughter of my own and that my mom has already met the spirit that will become my daughter and that when she is born she will have my mother's eyes.  I will admit that this hit a certain spot in my heart, because as corny and hokey as this may sound, I have always felt that I am destined to have a daughter, even though I went through stages in my life where I wasn't even sure I wanted to have children.  It's just this feeling that I have, almost like a knowing, that I am meant to be a mom and that I will have at least one daughter to whom I will be very close.  Obviously the medium could have told all of this to anyone, as it wasn't very specific to myself or my mom, but still, hearing the words was enough to strike a chord in me and touch me in a very special way.  Even if it's not true, is it bad or wrong to think that my mom's spirit and my future daughter's spirit have already met and connected on some level?  Especially considering the fact that they will obviously never get to meet here on Earth?

At this point in the reading, someone walked by and knocked on our door to let the medium know that our fifteen minutes were just about up.  Kind of like Last Call at the spirit bar.  The medium then asked me if I had any questions for my mom before we ended the session.  I was honestly still reeling from the whole experience and hadn't thought of any specific questions to ask beforehand, so the first one that came to mind was to ask if my mom had any regrets.  The medium put her head down again and told me that my mom did regret all of the arguments we had had over the years and the time and energy we each spent being mad at each other.  She said my mom was sorry for letting things go on the way they did at times and she wished she had let more things go.  The medium also said (repeatedly) that my mom was sorry that her body just couldn't keep up with her.  She said that my mom was fighting right up until the end but that her body just wasn't strong enough to hold on.  The word "cancer" was never mentioned by either myself or the medium, but it hung in the air like the dark cloud that it is.  Tears once again stung my eyes as memories surfaced of the last night I saw my mom, and how I watched her body bring forth its last remaining option of having to shut itself down.

As a means of attempting to complete the session and probably lighten the mood and end things on a higher note, the medium told me that my mom will often hide my keys from me as a way to get me to slow down and enjoy life more often.  She also said that when my mom is near me, she frequently flickers the lights to get my attention and let me know she is near. 

I thanked the medium, wiped my eyes one last time, and went out into the lobby to join my friends and discuss all of our sessions.  There were four of us that had readings done that day, and I can honestly say that out of the four readings, mine seemed to be the most accurate.  Even to this day, weeks after the spirit reading occurred, I still can't say with 100% certainty that I believe everything the medium told me.  I have gone over and over everything she said to me and have thought about how I acted in the session or if I gave anything away by my facial expressions; things that would have encouraged the medium to react to me in certain ways, but unfortunately I will never know.  I do know that I still believe in ghosts and spirits and I do believe in the possibility that there are people out there who are capable of speaking to these spirits, and maybe the medium was able to talk to my mom, but maybe she wasn't.  This is where I have to remember that my main goal for going to the medium was for entertainment purposes, and anything else I got from the experience was a bonus.  I can admit that I never actually do lose my keys, however, I find it to be a weird coincidence that since having my spirit reading, there have been a lot of different lights flickering on and off in my presence.

Five Months Out and Going Strong

Ok, I know I know...it's been WAY too long since I posted anything, and I feel horrible about that.  There have been so many times that I have sat at the computer with the full intentions of typing out a nice, long blog post, but something always seemed to come up.  I know, that's no excuse.  But here I am now, and I'm going to make sure that I don't let a whole month go by again without posting anything.  And those of you who see me on a daily or weekly basis, feel free to give me a good slap if I go more than two weeks without posting something.  Someone has to keep me in line, and obviously Roland isn't doing his job!  ;)  


So yeah, can you believe that it has been FIVE whole months since my surgery?  I sure can't!  It's so weird because on one hand, the surgery feels like it was forever ago while on the other hand, sometimes I feel like everything just barely happened.  It's so bizarre!  Either way it's hard to believe that it has been such a short amount of time since my surgery.  In the grand scheme of things, five months really isn't much more than a blink of an eye, yet so many things have happened in this short span of time that it feels like it couldn't possibly be any less than a year ago when I had the operation.  In only five months I have managed to change my appearance, increase my energy levels, learn some of the feats that my body is capable of, and remember what it feels like to start to feel good about myself again.  Plus, did I mention that I have now lost 120 pounds?  That's like a whole person!  When I first decided to have this surgery, I knew that all of these things were possible and would likely happen, but I never expected them to happen so quickly; I thought it would take years.  It still amazes me how often people tell me how great I look and compliment me on  my weight loss.  I don't mean for that to sound so egotistical, it's just that these types of situations often create very surreal moments for me.  I'm not able to see the same success in myself that apparently other people are seeing in me, and there are many times where I have to fight off the natural urge to respond with, "Thanks, but nothing has changed in my weight, I'm still the same."  But that's not true.  At this stage post-surgery, my body is still changing almost every day and despite the fact that I am no longer losing weight as quickly as I was right after the surgery, I am still losing weight continuously, so of course people are likely to notice.  It's me who isn't seeing the picture clearly.


When you deal with weight issues your entire life, you learn to see the world in a different light at times and to view yourself differently than how others might see you.  Much of that is a defense mechanism because the reality is, no matter what we may say otherwise, fat people are generally very sensitive and we often have trouble dealing with things like self-discipline, criticism, and at times, reality.  We are also really good at making excuses for ourselves and our behaviors, because deep down even we know that we aren't fooling anybody with the bad choices we make, especially ourselves.  Food is often not only an addiction for us, it's a support system.  Although there are actual genetic and scientific reasons that contribute to obesity (something I have briefly touched on before), the fact of the matter is that those reasons only carry so much weight, pun intended.  Food is a very emotional concept for most of us; it is consumed at happy events like weddings, birthdays, and general social events, but it is also consumed during difficult times, like funerals, while PMS'ing, and when feeling generally sad, stressed, or depressed.


Prior to having the surgery, all patients have to go through many different tests and doctor appointments, simply to make sure that they are healthy enough physically to go through with the surgery.  What many people probably don't realize is that not only do patients need to make sure they are physically able to get through the surgery, they are also checked to make sure they are mentally and emotionally ready.  At first, while I was going through all of these different appointments, I wasn't really sure why it was so vital for me (and all other patients) to have a psychological evaluation.  My feeling was that yeah, obviously I have some emotional issues that I have spent my life dealing with via food, but considering the surgery I was having, I didn't expect to have some kind of crazy epiphany while having the evaluation; what else could they tell me or help me discover that I haven't already heard before on my own or from other therapists?  I was surprised though, because I didn't realize that this psychological evaluation was not only to just discuss why my weight was so high and why I wanted to have the surgery, it was also to discuss how I might feel after the surgery.  Again, it took me a few minutes to wrap my mind around this because for me personally, I was thinking that after the surgery I would be great!  Yeah, I might need some time to recover and my body might be sore for a while, but it was worth it if it meant that I would be losing weight like I was never able to before. I honestly couldn't understand why my feelings post-surgery would even be an issue, because I was psyched and so looking forward to everything that was going to happen.  It wasn't until I got home and discussed things with Roland that we were finally able to make sense of it all (I do my best thinking while talking, so sometimes it takes that to happen for me to fully be able to understand something or figure a situation out.  Just a little side note for y'all!).  For many of us who have weight problems, especially those of us who have had these issues our whole life, often the main cause of that is due to emotional pain that is softened by eating.  It's that whole comfort thing.  What we realized after my psych evaluation was that again, not only were they trying to make sure I was in a good place emotionally prior to having the surgery, they also wanted to make sure I was stable enough to be able to deal with the aftermath of the surgery, aka not eating as much.  Again, that may sound silly or weird to some of you, but to those of you who are emotional eaters, I have a feeling you're already starting to pick up what I'm throwing down.  Those of us who are emotional eaters find comfort, solace and dare I say happiness when we eat, especially all of those wonderfully not good for you foods, generally the greasier or more sugar-packed the better.  After having gastric bypass surgery, not only does it take a while for you to be able to eat real and solid foods again in general, but it also means that you can often say goodbye to all of those wonderful tasting, bad for you foods, maybe not permanently, but at least for a long time.  And what often happens when people lose their sense of comfort?  They get depressed, stressed out, and generally unhappy, which isn't a good frame of mind to be in while you are trying to recover from having a major operation.  It also doesn't help that there is a big occurrence of depression in overweight people in general anyway, so basically this psych evaluation is to make sure that you can handle dealing with the stress of recovering from surgery and eventually day-to-day life without having your basic life crutch; food.

I have talked to many different people who have had this surgery already and many of them told me it took them months to years to finally be able to keep many solid foods down with no trouble.  I can only assume that it's these kinds of people to whom the psych evaluation is really geared towards, people who cannot eat normally for a long time after surgery.  I am  not one of those people, and often these days I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of throwing up or getting sick and generally not being able to eat, but part of me does often wonder if that path might have ended up being better for me, only because at this point I can eat pretty much whatever I want, and have been able to since 2-3 months post-surgery.  Sure, I still had to be really careful when I first started eating solid foods again, and there were many times while I was still healing when I thought I might throw up, but I never did.  As I continued to heal and was able to add more and more foods back into my diet, I was surprised to see how many foods didn't bother me.  They tell us in all the support groups and information meetings that there are many foods that even years post-surgery are just not tolerated well by the new little stomach pouch, mostly "heavy" things like pasta, white breads, some meat, and ice cream.  I can honestly say that at this time, I have tried all of those things and have not been sick once.  Yes, I still have to be careful of how quickly I eat and how much I drink around meal times, and there are plenty of greasy and/or heavy foods that will make me feel not-so-hot afterwards, but overall, I have pretty much sailed through this whole experience.  And I'll be honest, that's kind of what worries me. 

Obviously I had to have this surgery because I have issues with food, particularly in making the wrong choices and not exercising as much as I should.  I knew from the beginning that this surgery was not some kind of miracle fix that would automatically turn me skinny and make it so that I would never have to worry about my weight again for the rest of my life.  This surgery is merely a tool, meant to help me help myself along the way.  It works great by helping me shed a lot of weight up front (thus the 120 pounds so far!) just due to the fact that I'm not eating as much as I used to and my body breaks the foods down differently now, but eventually my body will start to compensate for the changes that are currently happening and it will start to try to hang on to some of these nutrients that for right now are zooming right in and out of my body.  I will still have to work hard to make sure I exercise on a routine basis and eat the right things; it's all about making healthier choices.  The general way my body is now wired because of the surgery will continue to help me keep my weight down for the rest of my life, but only if I treat it properly.  And again, this is the part that I'm worried about.  Because I have already found that I can pretty much eat whatever I want again (albeit in much lesser amounts) I am scared that I won't be able to keep things under control.  I have been doing much better at eating healthy and making smarter choices, but I'll be honest, I could be doing a lot better.  I still probably eat pizza more often than I should and I'm definitely not eating enough vegetables.  I've gotten better at keeping up with exercising (I have found that mixing up the exercise really helps a lot, so that I don't feel so bored while doing it, which makes me dread it less) but I know I could be doing it more frequently.  I'm proud of myself for losing so much weight already, but I also feel like I can't take much of the credit since my body is pretty much losing the weight on its own because it has to. 

At this point, five months after the surgery, I have found that my weight loss is happening at a much slower pace and I believe part of it is due to the fact that my body is now trying to even itself out. My surgeon told me that around the year mark post-surgery, my body will start to not only understand that I have had this surgery that has re-routed my digestive track, allowing me to absorb less nutrients, it will also realize that it needs to fix itself and make it so that I can absorb more nutrients again, thus allowing for weight gain to be able to occur.  If you think about it, it's pretty incredible that our bodies are able to do this.  It's like evolution on a much smaller scale!  The problem is, I don't want any weight gain to occur, which means I'm going to have to really stick to my mantra of making better/healthier choices.  My biggest fear is that I will have this surgery, lose all kinds of weight, and then end up putting much of the weight back on again.  It's a realistic fear because it's what has happened to me my whole life. But on the other hand, prior to this, I didn't have the tool of having a re-wired body and an even stronger desire to be proud of myself, and I am holding onto that to keep me going.  I'm getting married in seven short months and want to look good for  my wedding, plus we are planning on having children not long after that, and I want to be able to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy children.  Once those children are born I want to be able to run around with them, get on the floor and play with them, and have the energy to not only keep up with them, but to want to take them places and interact with them as often as possible.  I also want to spend an incredibly long life with Roland and those children, and I won't be able to do that if I don't keep a handle on my weight.   I am scared of what could and couldn't happen, and I'm scared of failing, but I am optimistic that I will be able to use that fear to keep me going in the right direction.  Of course, it also helps that I have incredibly supportive friends and family around me, who I know will help me achieve any goal I reach for, and I consider myself lucky every day to have so much love around me.  I know it will be hard at times, but I also know that I am stronger than I think I am, and I can achieve whatever I put my mind to.

25 Things You Don't Know About Me

Confession time!  One of my guilty pleasures is reading the celebrity tabloid magazines.  Phew, my secret is out!  For years I have been guiltily following the lives and marriages of the Kardashian sisters, the Lindsey Lohan court appearances, the Britney Spears weddings, and of course the infidelities of Tiger Woods, Jesse James and Kobe Bryant, just to name a few!  I can't help it, it's all like a train wreck that I just can't seem to pull my eyes from, especially when I'm standing in line at the grocery store.  There I am, patiently waiting for the person in front of me to unload their year's worth of groceries, meanwhile the kid who was bagging for the person before her all of a sudden had to go on break, which leaves only the cashier to ring up and bag the cart-and-a-half's worth of food this person has squeezed onto the conveyor belt.  I'm left standing there pondering over whether I really need those "Impulse Buy" items in the aisle...you know, things like lighters, dental floss picks, chap stick, iTunes gift cards, and basically anything you see that's "As Seen on TV"...when all of a sudden, I see Oprah's face, sans make-up (NOT a pretty sight...sorry Oprah!) and it's stricken with grief because Stedman is leaving her due to her "curious" relationship with Gail.  My eyes zero in on that and for the next 15 minutes (while the mountain of food in front of me is slowly scanned and bagged) I'm in celebrity heaven, pawing through as many of those tabloid pages as I can, trying to get through the magazine before it's my turn in line so that I don't have to pay for it.  It's almost like stealing.  No wonder I get such a high from it!

One of my favorite magazines to read is Us Weekly.  It always has all the most updated stories with the latest juicy celebrity gossip, plus I have found that they also seem to have some standards and don't draw you in with crazy stories about a farm girl being abducted by aliens and then giving birth to a 25 pound baby, the way some magazines like Enquirer do.  It's just ridiculous.  I mean, I could see her being abducted and all...but a 25 pound baby?!  That seems a little stretched if you ask me.  Anyway, Us magazine not only brings forth the latest and greatest celebrity news, it also has some fun things thrown in like "Who Wore it Best?", "Stars:  They're Just Like Us", and "25 Things You Didn't Know About Me".  It was this last little fun topic that gave me the idea for this particular blog post, just because it's one of the things I like best about Us Weekly since it's a list of you guessed it, 25 things that you might not know about certain celebrities, and the celebrities actually write it themselves.  It just makes it a little more personal.  When reading that section, I can actually picture myself sitting down with Mila Kunis and listening to her tell me about how breaking up with Macaulay Culkin was the best decision she ever made, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" was the movie she had the most fun filming, and how she prefers Diet Coke over Diet Pepsi.  <--Totally just made all that up, but it sounded good, right? 

Seeing as how I'm not a celebrity (yet!), most of the people reading my blog are people who already know me personally and therefore have a decent-to-good chance of already knowing a fair amount of the things about me on this list.  Those of you who know me really well or have just been friends with me forever, there likely will not be anything on this list that you don't already know or couldn't have guessed on your own, but I did attempt to dig deep and find things that might surprise some of you. You'll have to let me know how I did in the Comments section. 

So, without further adieu, and in no particular order, I give you 25 Things You Don't Know About Me:

1.  When I was younger I was completely obsessed with Tina Turner, to the point where I wanted her to come live with us and every time I went into a drugstore with my mom, I wanted to buy bright red lipstick "for Tina". 

2.  I often have clairvoyant dreams.
3. My sister Emily and I share a sort of sister ESP.
4.  If I had to live off of one food for the rest of my life, it would be mashed potatoes.

5.  I was once actually accused of being a stalker.  Nothing legal came of it, but we can suffice it to say that the particular person accusing me obviously had herself a bit of an inflated ego.
6.  Guilty pleasure #2 (Reading celebrity magazines was #1):  I love to watch the Kardashian shows.

7.  It may sound corny, but I feel like there's a novel inside me just waiting to be written and that by doing this blog it will get me in the better habit of writing, thus leading to my novel debut!
8.  I have known that I wanted to have a baby since I was literally five years old.

9.  One of my biggest fears is that I won't be able to have any children.
10.  Due to my ex and my own bad decisions, I have a lot of debt (in addition to student loans) that I am trying to maintain.
11.  Lucille Ball is my all-time favorite actress.

12.  I'm addicted to buying DVDs out of the $5 bins at Walmart.
13.  As much as I want kids, I worry about missing my "me" time once I have them.
14.  My dream (and hopeful!) honeymoon destination is Hawaii.

15.  Roland and I actually have very little in common with each other when it comes down to personal interests.
16.  Roland's mother and I actually have more in common than Roland and I do.
17.  I often picture myself retiring in California where I will spend my time breeding dogs and riding horses on the beach.

18.  Occasionally (depending on the joke) I try to suppress my laughter at Roland's jokes in front of him because my laughing only encourages him to make more corny jokes.

19.  I have been given many nicknames throughout my life:  Mish/Mishy (given to me by my grandfather and to this day we have no idea how he came up with that), Smelly Danielley (affectionately shortened to Smell), Danielle-ski (the nickname that replaced Smelly Danielley from one particular uncle), Dee, D-Mag, and Yell.
20.  I have been present during the deaths of two very important people to me - my mom and my grandfather.
21.  My ideal vacation includes being somewhere warm, by the water, where I can spend all of my time lying in the sun and drinking fruity drinks with the little umbrellas in them.

22.  When my sister Emily was a baby, I dropped her on her head not once, but twice.  She's fine.
23.  I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which should hopefully clear up as I continue to lose weight.
24.  I have no trouble baby-talking to animals (especially to my dogs) but I find it weird and uncomfortable doing it to actual babies.
25.  I have a celebrity cheat list that includes four guys and one girl.

Chris Hemsworth

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Shamar Moore

Mila Kunis

Milestones

The definition of a milestone is, "A significant event or change in life, progress, development, or the like of a person."  This could cover anything from the birth of a child, a wedding or anniversary, getting that new job you have always wanted, or even something more simple, like completing that book you have been reading, receiving a passing grade on a course you have been struggling in, or losing weight.  Milestones offer us not only positive feelings and affirmations, they allow us to prove to ourselves that we really can do anything we put our minds to.  They are positive ways of looking at events or situations in our lives that we previously might have thought would never improve.  It's often a feeling of being able to tell yourself, "I told you so!" since often most humans, being naturally pessimistic at heart, tend to think or expect the worst but still get incredibly excited when the outcome turns out in their favor. 

This past week I hit two very important milestones...well important to me anyway.  The first milestone came when I went for my three month post-op appointment with my surgeon this past Thursday.  It was a bittersweet visit because even though I always look forward to seeing Dr. Buckley and discussing with him my progress and listening to his self-admitted "corny" jokes, I was sad because it was the last visit he and I would have together as he is retiring next month.  I am upset that he's leaving just because I have loved having him as a surgeon and I have actually enjoyed the appointment times spent with him (which is saying a lot considering I have suffered a bit of "white coat phobia" in my life), but I am also incredibly grateful that I had the chance to have him perform my surgery.  So, that's the bitter part of this particular visit.  The sweet part was that not only am I continuing to heal well and able to eat actual food without any real problems, I have also now lost about 60-70 pounds in the three months since my surgery, making my grand total of weight loss 91 pounds!  Talk about a milestone! 

Being heavy my whole life, I have of course tried almost every diet known to man and have had success with some, and none at all with others.  The most success I have had previous to the surgery was when I joined Weight Watchers as a teenager.  My mother and I were doing it together at the same time, which was helpful since every night we would sit down together and track all of our points used up during the day.  Being a teenager, I of course wanted to rebel against anything my parents suggested, especially when it concerned my weight, but I couldn't argue with the results as I noticed the weight start to fall off me.  Within a 6-8 month period I lost just shy of 70 pounds and despite being in a depression at the time, I did have moments of feeling proud of myself and even had more frequent bouts of happiness.  These were all very big deals, especially if you knew me at the time.  But alas, that particular time the weight was not meant to stay off.  I eventually tired of having to track the points of everything I ate, and that combined with the fact that we were moving again, did not make for a good combination.  Over time I regained all of those 70 pounds back, plus some, and was disappointed in myself for allowing that to happen.  I also had trouble dealing with the fact that I knew I had disappointed those around me, particularly family members, who just couldn't seem to comprehend my recent weight re-gain and even said things like, "How did that happen?" or "I just can't believe you gained it all back."  I've always known that these kinds of things are always said out of love and concern for my health, but knowing that doesn't make them any easier to hear either.  That is why this particular milestone is a very big one for me.  Not only is it the most I have ever lost in my life, it is also a feeling of redemption for having lost so much before and then gained it all back.  It's almost like now I'm starting at zero instead of being in the negative numbers, if that makes any sense to you!  My next follow-up appointment with the surgeon won't be for another three months now (my 6 month post-op visit) and even though I have always been a firm believer of having no scale in the house (knowing it could full well result in the loss of my sanity), I think it is time to buy one and be able to keep track of my weight at home too.  Mostly since I don't think I can handle going another three months without knowing my progress, especially while thinking about getting into a wedding dress this October! 

My second milestone of the week occurred just this morning when I took my last ever (hopefully!) Omeprazole pill.  For those of you who aren't familiar with Omeprazole, it is a stomach acid reducer, generic for Prilosec (I'm sure you have all seen the commercials on TV) which I have been taking for the past SIXTEEN years due to having acid reflux.  My father's side of the family all tend to suffer from hyper-acidic stomachs and most of us have had the "pleasure" of dealing with severe heartburn for most of our lives.  I have it, my aunts and uncles have it, even my 82-year-old grandmother still suffers from it, and the most rambunctious food that hits her stomach is peanut butter!  Suffice it to say that although the Omeprazole was the one pill I have come across in my life that actually kept the heartburn at bay (take that you useless Zantac pill!) and actually allowed me to enjoy things like orange juice and Mexican food again,  it's a great feeling to know that I will now be able to enjoy those same things without having to take a daily pill.  It's so freeing!

I have to admit that when I first began researching gastric surgery, it was done so as a means to help me lose weight.  I knew that having the surgery would help me avoid things like diabetes and (hopefully) future heart issues, and maybe even some cancers (since people who are overweight/obese are more prone to specific types of cancer), but it wasn't until I actually met with my surgeon after the initial gastric surgery information session that I learned that one of the side effects of the bypass surgery was that it essentially cures acid reflux disease.  That's a side effect to be happy about!  Because of the way they re-route your system (so to speak) during the surgery, my stomach itself is no longer attached directly to my esophagus, which means that any acid that might still be created there has nowhere to go but down.  I can't tell you how many times I have had that acid come UP my throat, and I'll spare you the details, but just know that it is an incredibly uncomfortable and painful experience and one that I am hoping I will never have to suffer through again.  The reason that today was my final day of taking the pill was because even for people who did not previously suffer from acid reflux, once you have gastric bypass surgery you are required to take Omeprazole for the first three months post-surgery as a helpful tool to aid your stomach during the recovery process.  For some people, it means adding another pill to the onslaught of pills we have to take post-surgery (most of them being vitamin supplements) but for me it was simply continuing with the consumption of a pill that has been part of my daily routine for literally, half my life.  I seriously cannot tell you enough how ecstatic I am to know that that pill will no longer be a requirement.  It's the little things in life that can really get to you!  :)

For some of you, these milestones may not seem like much, but they are big ones for me and ones that I am proud of.  They have also come at a good time as I have been having a particularly hard week thinking about my mom.  Grieving in general, but especially for someone you lost, is an interesting thing in that I don't think ANYONE will ever fully be able to understand it or predict it, despite what the 7 Stages of Grief tell you.  I think about my mom and miss her EVERY DAY, but there are some days when I can do so without feeling overcome by sadness and other days where all I want to do is stay in bed and cry.  And from what I can tell, there aren't always rhyme and reason as to what makes me feel a certain way on any particular day.  Of course there are the big days, like her birthday, Mother's Day, and the "anniversary" of her death when I already know ahead of time that I'm most likely not going to be my usual cheery self, yet there are plenty of other days too where I will be feeling the loss more prominently and have a harder time continuing with my day-to-day routines.  These days are almost harder because they often come out of nowhere and blindside me, so I'm left not only feeling sad and lonely, but overwhelmed as well...and that can be a really hard combination to get past.  Luckily I have an incredibly supportive fiancee who knows just the right things to say and do when I'm feeling down, but he also has the incredible ability of often knowing how I'm feeling before even I do.  There have been plenty of times when I'll just be feeling off, but not really know why.  All Roland has to do is take one look at me and he has the ability to immediately tell that I'm not only feeling down, but that it's connected to my mom.  Even though he has never lost a parent (thank God!) he can sympathize with how I'm feeling and will often get me talking about it, even though I usually don't want to, but have to admit that afterwards it does make me feel much better.  I also have a very close friend who has lost a parent she was very close to, and although I think it downright sucks that this particular area gives us something to commiserate with and bond over, it is also incredibly helpful.  She and I are able to discuss our experiences and feelings while simultaneously knowing exactly what the other person is experiencing and feeling.  Don't get me wrong, I'm GLAD that Roland cannot share these same feelings with me, and I absolutely HATE the fact that my friend is able to share these feelings with me, but in the long run I know that having this kind of experience to discuss with one another, allows my friend and I to not only become closer friends but to also take part in the grieving process in a way that we might not otherwise be able to.  It's another thing that is bittersweet and that also gives greater importance to daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly milestones.

Happy New Year! And the Holiday Review!

First and foremost, Happy New Year everyone!  It's now officially 2012, can you believe it?!  There are a lot of things that are going to be happening this year, and I for one, am very excited...which I'm sure has nothing to do with the fact that I'm GETTING MARRIED this year!  ;)  Of course, this upcoming year will hold plenty of difficult moments too, especially when it comes time for the hardcore wedding planning; I already know that picking out a wedding dress is going to prove to be very difficult without my mom by my side, but she's with me in spirit and I just have to hold on to that knowledge and I'll get through it.  Luckily though, I'm feeling increasingly better each and every day since my surgery and I'm using that positive energy (both physically and emotionally) to plunge ahead into the New Year. 

Speaking of my surgery, I was more than a little curious to see how well I would do throughout the holiday season, in terms of eating, since if your families are anything like mine, the holidays all revolve around food and all the marvelous things you can stuff into your face.  Thanksgiving was the first big hurdle because let's face it, it's a holiday all about food and eating as much as possible.  I mean honestly, who even really remembers what this holiday is really supposed to be about, considering that every portrayal consists of pilgrims and stereotypical "Indians" eating turkey and corn?  But I digress.  I'm happy to report that just shy of two months after my surgery, I was able to eat actual Thanksgiving food on Thanksgiving!  Albeit it wasn't a lot, but it was more than enough and I was incredibly thankful to just be participating and not having to "chow down" on Jell-O while everyone else stuffed themselves with turkey, potatoes, buns, stuffing, and pumpkin pie (all my favorites).  The key was (and always is post-surgery) to just eat slowly and pay attention to feeling full...and then STOP!  On my plate I had turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole (only we make it with peas and affectionately call it Pea Goop), and stuffing...and it was all delicious!  I tried to eat more turkey than anything else (proteins are VERY important post-surgery) and even though I wasn't able to have seconds or even clear my plate (something I have never had a problem with in the past), I left the table feeling very, but comfortably full and had little-to-no side effects the rest of the night, even after having a small piece of pumpkin pie.  I call that a success! 

Already having battled Thanksgiving, I figured Christmas would be a breeze, especially since this year we ended up having very similar dishes on both days, the only difference being the locations and the people who actually made the food.  Christmas dinner consisted of turkey and ham (always good options when feeding a large family), mashed potatoes, stuffing, squash, green bean casserole (this time made the traditional way), buns, salad, and I think a few other things (I lost track!).  I stuck with pretty much the same menu as I had on Thanksgiving, with some ham and salad thrown in for good measure, and basically repeated the same process.  I ate slowly and stopped when I started feeling full.  It didn't matter that my eyes are still (and almost physically) bigger than my stomach (lol) and that I didn't (again) even clear my plate...it just mattered that I ate what I was comfortable with and paid attention to my body's signals until I reached the level of being comfortably full...and stopped. 

I know I keep making a big point of this, but it's a very important point since anyone who has ever had a weight problem and/or a food addiction (it's amazing how often they go hand in hand!) knows that being able to stop eating when you feel full is a very BIG DEAL.  I have lost count a million times over about how many meals I have walked away from feeling completely bloated and so uncomfortably full that I have vowed to never eat that much again...whether it was during a big holiday meal or just a dinner out on the town at our favorite Mexican restaurant, and yet time and time again it continued to happen. I have always had trouble just saying "No" when it comes to food, and it was nothing for me to eat past my full capacity at every meal.  This is where the emotional aspects come in and where it's time to face the food and addiction demons, especially when trying to find out why I was eating so much so often and basically filling any emotional holes in my life with my main comfort:  food. 

Having an emotionally and physically distant father my whole life left me with quite a few insecurities.  Although I got more than my fair share of love and support from my mother, stepfather, sister and other family members, it's still hard to focus on all the good when there's that one big blemish in your life that gives you so much pain.  I'm not going to sit here and blame my weight and any failures in my life on my father, but I do know for a fact that my relationship (or lack thereof) with him definitely played a key factor in the need for me to seek emotional support from food.  It's a compensation tool that I took way too seriously, and it took me until I became an adult to truly understand what all of this meant.  I was in and out of therapist offices throughout most of my adolescence as I suffered with my weight and a general depression and anxiety disorder.  I was given anti-depressants (turns out Prozac is NOT good for teenagers who might have suicidal thoughts/tendencies!  Who woulda thunk it?!) and one doctor even prescribed me Phen-Phen (remember that lovely little lethal weight loss drug???).  Suffice it to say that at the time, nothing really  helped and even though I gradually came out of my depression some time during high school, my weight still continued to climb as I sought acceptance in any fatty/sugary/comfort food I could get.  Even after I graduated high school and then received my Bachelor's Degree, I was looking forward to becoming an adult but couldn't ditch the main thing holding me back, my food addiction.  I wish I could say there was an easy way out or a great epiphany that helped me...but the truth is, like with any addict, I wasn't able to fix the problem until I could understand it and face it head-on.  It got to the point where I had finally met the man of my dreams (Awwww) and knew that I wanted to marry him, have a family with him, and spend the rest of my life with him...and none of that would really be possible unless I made some serious changes.  I had to take a serious inventory of what was going on in my heart and in my head that was making me think I needed to fill this emotional void with food, and I'll be honest, it took a lot of soul searching.  Things got uncomfortable and I had to have some serious discussions with myself and with my family, friends and my fiance.  I forced myself to talk about my weight and my fears and my struggles, and it wasn't until I started to honestly open up to other people, that I began to honestly open up with myself.  By facing my fears and concerns head-on, I was able to finally see my food addiction for what it was and therefore begin taking the necessary steps to fix it.  For me, one of those necessary steps was gastric bypass surgery, but that doesn't mean that is a fix for everyone.  Each person has their own path and journey.  Despite the fact that I now eat considerably less at each meal than I used to and try to eat more healthily than I used to, it doesn't mean that I can't still have slip-ups or think that I need to eat more than is necessary.  It also doesn't mean that I no longer find comfort in food, as that is all very much still a reality.  What it does mean is that I am more conscious of how I am eating and work hard at each meal to stick to my overall plan.  Like they say, it's one day at a time...and I want there to be many MANY more days in my future!

Happy Holidays!

I was hoping to be able to write a full blog post again this week, but with Christmas now literally just around the corner, I haven't had much time for anything non-Christmas or work related...including my blog  :(    What with packing up the belongings of one dog and then bringing him to my friend's house for the weekend, then packing up the belongings of the other dog (who is coming with us up to visit my family in Vermont), plus last minute Christmas shopping, present wrapping, and of course a Christmas manicure (a gift given to me by one of my bosses!), I just haven't had any time for quite literally ANYTHING else.  Plus, we are leaving for Vermont tonight, and guess who hasn't finished all her packing yet?!  You got it, this girl!  So after leaving work, it will be a mad dash to the house to take out the dog, feed him, feed the cats, pack up my clothes and then of course the car...and we're off!  Somehow I don't think it will be that quickly though.  Call it a hunch. 

I did want to take the time though to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and anything else you may celebrate!  Even though there are always stresses associated with the holidays, this is still one of my favorite times of the year (it's a close tie with Halloween!) and I look forward to spending time with loved ones and generally enjoying the festivities (which will include a marathon day of baking tomorrow with my cousin and aunt)  I'm very excited about that! 

Happy Holidays!

Gastric Bypass Step 1: Making the Decision

Making the decision to have gastric bypass surgery is not an easy one, and originally, it wasn't an option I wanted at all.  Sure, I had heard about this "miracle surgery" that people could get and they would magically go from being fat to skinny in a matter of months, but why would I want to do something so drastic to my body?  Yeah, I needed to lose weight, but why do something so invasive when I can just do a better job of watching what I eat and exercising more?  When word first got out about gastric bypass surgery, I wanted nothing to do with it.  I saw it as an unnecessary extreme for people who just wanted the easy way out.  I was still young, only in my early twenties, and I had plenty of time to get myself in better shape, without the use of surgery, thank you very much! 

It wasn't until I hit my late twenties when I finally started to realize that my methods weren't working.  I tried to eat better and exercise more, I stayed away from sweets, and I even made a truce with salads, telling myself that I really did love them as much as mashed potatoes.  But nothing worked, at least not well.  I lost a few pounds here and there, but as usual, they always came back in larger quantities.  I tried skipping meals, which of course all the doctors tell you specifically not to do, but that was one of the few things that made me feel better.  I figured that by skipping breakfast or lunch, it allowed me to eat a more "regular" dinner, but without the guilt of consuming too many carbs or some kind of take-out.  The joke was on me though, because skipping meals did absolutely nothing good for me, as it generally made me hungrier by the time the next meal came, and I would just eat way more than I should.  My frustrations continued to climb and I began to suspect that I would be trapped in my over sized body forever. 

I felt lost, disappointed, self-conscious, frustrated, and generally unhappy.  I was lucky to be in a relationship with Roland (my current fiance), who loved me for who I was, both on the inside and the outside, but it still wasn't enough for me.  Although being with Roland definitely gave me a better sense of self-confidence, I still almost flinched every time he called me "Beautiful" or told me how pretty I was.  I didn't believe him, and figured that was just something people are supposed to say to the ones they love.  (Looking back now, I can see how wrong I was about assuming Roland's "required" feelings about my appearance...hindsight being 20/20 and all...but being fat your whole life can really screw with your emotions and self-perception, and at the time, I felt as far from beautiful and pretty as you can get).  Having a weight problem most of his life too, Roland was at least able to commiserate with me on being unhappy with the way we looked, and he was a great help in getting me motivated to exercise on a more routine basis, but yet again, nothing worked long-term. It wasn't until about two years ago, when Roland's cousin had the Lapband surgery, that I finally had an epiphany. 

Lapband surgery was the new "hot button" and I had been hearing commercials for it increasingly on the radio, but it wasn't until Roland's cousin actually had the surgery that I learned what was involved. Unlike the gastric bypass surgery, none of your internal organs were cut or moved around and if for whatever reason you weren't happy with the outcome, it was REVERSIBLE!  That was what truly seemed like a miracle.  After that, I did a lot of thinking and researched the Lapband surgery in every way possible.  I wanted to know what exactly it did to your body to help you lose weight, how invasive the actual surgery was to your body, and I wanted to read peoples' comments on how they felt afterwards.  Most importantly, I wanted to know how much weight people lost with the Lapband, and I was happy with what I found out.  After seeing the information online, in addition to asking Roland's cousin a million questions, I finally had a plan!  The Lapband surgery was exactly what I needed to help me lose weight...and keep it off!  And what was even better was that my local hospital (NSMC in Salem) offers a gastric surgery program and there was an information session coming up in a few weeks!  Roland jumped on the bandwagon with me and together we attended the session with plans of forging ahead with both of us having the Lapband surgery.  Who would have predicted we would get waylaid again???

During the information session we met the surgeons and they discussed the basic differences between the Lapband surgery and the gastric bypass surgery.  The session contained a lot of information, meant to help people decide which surgery they wanted, but to really get an idea of what we needed to do, we then had to set up an appointment with the surgeon as a means of discussing what the surgery would do to each of us personally.  I went into the appointment feeling optimistic for the first time in years about getting my weight  under control.  After the information session, I knew that the Lapband was still very much what I wanted, and I was looking forward to meeting with the surgeon so that we could get everything underway.  Once my height and weight were recorded and I was asked a bunch of questions about my overall health and weight history, I finally got to talk to the surgeon, Dr. Buckley, one-on-one.  Right away he told me that I didn't qualify for the Lapband surgery.  You could have knocked me over with a feather (Ironic, no?) 

Dr. Buckley explained to me that once a person's BMI (Body Mass Index) gets over a certain amount, for some unknown reason, the Lapband just does not work.  He said I would likely lose about 40 pounds in total, and that would be it.  A waste of surgery, in his opinion.  The only way for me to proceed with having surgery would be to have the gastric bypass, something I was still very unsure about.  The good news was that the gastric bypass surgery had come a long way in the past ten years; it was no longer a "dangerous" surgery and they were even performing it laproscopically now, which meant less chance of problems both during and after surgery.  I was disappointed, but had already come so far, and I had become so optimistic about the options surgery in general would give me. Dr. Buckley, sensing my hesitation, took the time to tell me all about gastric bypass surgery and he answered every one of my questions, without ever making me feel like I was taking up too much of his time.  It was in that hour long visit that I officially made the decision to have the gastric bypass surgery. 

Although part of me was still disappointed that I couldn't proceed with the Lapband surgery, I was confident in Dr. Buckley's abilities and opinions, not to mention the fact that having the gastric bypass would actually allow me to lose even more weight than the Lapband would have.  Never having had surgery before, the thought of the actual surgery itself scared me to death, but I knew this was not only what I wanted to do, but what I had to do.  I was lucky in that aside from my weight, I was otherwise healthy, and I really didn't want to wait and give myself the chance to become diabetic and/or have heart issues.  It was now or never...and I chose NOW!